Lindsey (voglio_cambiare) wrote,

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i can't sleep. Confessions.

I cannot sleep.
I think I'm immune to marijuana. Seriously. I smoked on Saturday and I got this miniscule little buzz. So, I'm moving on to bigger and better things. Heroin here I come.

I think I've created a monster with Samantha. We smoked on Thursday & Saturday and she's all "Let's smoke some more. I want more." Well, bitch, when you put down money or fucking pull major strings to even get any, then you can beg for more bowls. Until then, just be content that I'm letting your scavenger ass smoke all my weed.
Isn't pot supposed to mellow you out.
It's just annoying because the only person I've ever smoked out with on a regular basis is Alex who never insists on smoking when he's not throwing down too.
I'm stingy with pot.
Towards the end of Saturday I was so tired of fucking smoking that I packed half bowls and had like at least four hits on my turn.
And then I was talking about how I want to get a new peice and Sam chimes in with "You should get me one too. A cute little glass one like the one you have."
Hold the fuck up.
What? I'm too cheap to buy my own peice, so why would I buy one for you? I'm already supplying you with weed.
Someone needs to teach her manners.
Or weed ettiqute.
I swear I'm not this stingy all the time.
Maybe I am. Fuck you if you think it's a big deal.

I keep picturing myself dying. I smoke way too much. Like basically a pack a day or two and now I only smoke menthols or unfilters. haha or blunts or bowls or joints. And I never went back to the gynecologist for a check up. As far as I know, there are many cysts growing on my ovaries just waiting to off me. Probably. I picture my insides all gunked up with smoke and cysts and bitterness. And fucking frustration. I think that's killing me more than anything.
But really.
I haven't had a period since last October. Don't be jealous of me. It's not healthy. It's not good. I miss my period. I at least felt like a female. I don't even really feel like I own a vagina. I'm just renting it for good nights I guess.

How the fuck did I come up with that?
No idea.

Things are kind of weird between Andy and me. Who is Andy? This kid I work with. We have a similar sense of humor. He has this respect for me since he thinks I'm gay. I think I've told him before that I like boys too, but that didn't even seem to register with him. Anyway. The other day he tells me he wants me to move in with him & go to college with him. Weird. Yep. Then today he begs me to go get him BK Chicken Fries. For whatever reason, I did! Then I went on a cruise lap with him and everything. He told me he wanted to go to the porn store with me. Hello uncomfort.
And when we work together, it's like we're not even at work because we're constantly talking. And for some reason, we just interact well together. When I'm running a register & he's bagging we're so fast that it makes it seem like we have an express line.
I've reached a new level of lame.

So back to how I hate pot.
Basically the only good thing that came out of smoking with Samantha is this weird tension between us that happened back at her house. We had just eaten chocolate sundae cones and we were laying in her bed together close. She looked over at me and closed her eyes and moved in as if to kiss me. I don't know if she thinks that since I like girls that I want to fuck all of my friends, but I laughed. This isn't the first time and will probably not be the last time. Sometimes I want to kick myself in the ass because it's like "Whhhy not do it. It's ass, and probably good practice for something more meaningful." But then I remember the drunken threesome and I roll my eyes and feel regret.
But yeah. Girl friends are weird. Especially ones who are situationally bisexual. What the hell is that? You give real bisexuals a bad name.
Since when did I become an elitist?
Tuesday, if I recall correctly.
But, anyway. It was hilarious.
She played it off and started laughing too then I rolled off of the bed.

I just seem really pensive and bitchy.
How different than usual, right?

I still haven't mentioned my big news.
I'm scared... for some reason.
So, guess what it is.
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