Today I've been super productive. I'm operating on three hours of sleep and mad caffeine. I feel like a crack head... only good. Or something. Everyone leaves and we drunkely walk to speedway to get munchies. We come back & watch Aquateen and smoke five bowls before bed.
( saturday & sundayCollapse )
And now I'm going to do acid tomorrow morning. Haha. Who does acid in the morning? Alex, Ryan and I do. His mom goes to work at six thirty & we're meeting up at Ryan's house at seven. I'm nervous, but I'm going to do it.
Driving home from Alex's house tonight I was certain I would die. I felt it in my heart and in my soul. (I hate that expression, by the way. I'll paint these cliches on walls with sponges.) I knew it was going to happen, it had to. I felt so sure.
I almost hit a deer. It came out of nowhere and seemed to fade away as I closely, just barely passed it. I closed my eyes for a split second and sped up. I felt alive and I kept speeding.
I drove closer and closer to my house, inhaling menthol cigarette smoke into my lungs. Drag after drag I imagined the impact. I could close my eyes and envision the blazing headlights of a semi filling my windshield. I could hear the roar, the annoyed horn blaring urging me to get the fuck out of the way.
I opened my eyes and was greeted with darkness.
Nothing was there.
No telephone pole.
In fact, nothing at all to crash in to.
My demise wasn't waiting for me. I felt sad. Not for my death, but for this feeling not being true.
I flicked my cigarette out the window and watched the orange embers twirl and suddenly go out on the asphalt behind me.
How could a feeling so strong be untrue.
In the distance I saw red flashing lights. I quickly turned the volume of the radio down to really concentrate on these blinking lights. I knew what it was, but I wished for something different.
I approached the railroad tracks with little discretion for my well being. I, again, closed my eyes, applied forced pressure to the gas and waited for the impact. I put down the windows and listened for the train whistle.
I heard nothing.
Silence, only silence, except for my racing heart and speeding car. I gripped the wheel and hoped for a train.
I crossed the smooth tracks with anger and frustration. I didn't necessarily want to die, I just felt like I was going to.
I was ready.
I searched the radio frequencies trying to find the perfect song to die to. I couldn't simply select a cd, I had to find a song on the radio. It had to be more than a song. It had to be a sign from something higher. It had to have more meaning than mere notes and lyrics.
This too came up short.
I turned the volume off and waited for another feeling to guide me.
Then I realized I've wasted time dying instead of living.
( explantion. by the way, I love my life.Collapse )
Wednesday October 26 2005 • 11:56am
Somone tried to "save my soul" yesterday.
Jeff, a younger coworker of mine, seems to think that I'm going to hell unless he saves me. At first I was kind of shocked. I mean, I do my fair share of illegal activites, but I'm not a bad person. I'll generally go out of my way to help others, I donate and I care. So then why do I feel bad now? I guess I feel bad because I have no faith.
I won't believe in anything because it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel geninue. It feels forced and false and I don't want to live my life that way.
But lately I've been such a bitch. I've been taking my terrible mood out on everyone else and it's not fair at all. I don't know how to balance myself. I was never one for moderation. So I've decided I want to do more. Do more for myself. Do more for others. Do something.
I want to find something to believe in.
I really want to "find myself" [whatever that means] because I'm really tired of this identity-crisis bullshit. I've had many conversations with Alex about how all this finding yourself buisness is bullshit. No one ever really finds out who they are until it's too late. We're constantly learning about ourselves. But, I'd like to have a clearer picture of who the fuck I am.
I'm tired of feeling lost.
I sound like I'm about to join a cult.
Maybe I will.
No, you're right. I probably won't.
Aqualung's Strange and Beautiful is probably the best cd I've ever heard.
I can't stop listening to it.
It feels perfect for my mood, for the the weather, for this place.
( lyrics.Collapse )
Okay. So I'm mega excited because I just checked the UPS website & found out that my order should arrive tomorrow. OHH eff yes.
And you know what tomorrow is? My first day off since last Sunday. Wee hee.
I kind of wish that I didn't have plans so I could just lay around all day, take cold medicine to get over this bullshit, watch movies, smoke a few bowls & write. But, tomorrow I have to..
1. go to the bank & deposit my check
2. get my hair cut & eyebrows waxed
3. go to meijer or wal mart to pick up some random things [lotion, bath sponge, one of those cooling eye mask things and more]
4. return movies
i forgot something, i'm sure of it.
5. shop for clothes
6. go to Hurricane relief concert
Then Saturday I work 10-4, then I plan on doing nothing but overdosing on cold medicine & playing with my Mp3 player, bitches.
So, since I'm sick, I'm terrified it might be something really serious. Lately I've been really worried of catching something from a customer at work. You see, a lot of people come in who are, how do you say, nasty. And I'm not talking about they just stink or whatever. There's this one guy who comes into the store RIGHT out of his pig farm. Yeah. And I don't know if it's something genetic, but there are soo many people who come in and their fingernails are covered or maybe even replaced with fungus.
I spent HOURS the other night thinking of all the bullshit I could catch.
And then last night my mom says "Oh, you might have to get a TB test."
Yeah. Long story short, the husband of one of her coworkers tested positive for TB.
I think I want to move to the desert & trip constantly.
And write some.
So, I think I'm going to buy am mp3 player. Yes, I'm the last person w/o one, don't hate.
I'm soo not typical, so I'm going to say "fuck ipod". I only say this because they're no longer selling apple green minis. What the fuck?
I cruised walmart.com, and I think I've narrowed it down to two.
Anyone own a really outstanding mp3 player? I need some feedback, since I'm basically retarded on this subject. Since I'm poor, I'm only willing to spend $200 or less.
Life is going well.
I got six hours of sleep TOTAL last weekend. Two parties two nights. SAM WAS HOME!! Gosh, I missed her like mad. I saw the place where her & her mom are moving. It needs a little fixing up & we made plans to paint her shed. I'm excited like a child about that. I've always wanted to paint some crazy ass mural on a building.
Yeah. I'm that lame.
Uh. What else.
I got really high after work today & then drove back to give Andy a cd and I chickened out & put it on his car. Only, I was really high so I just sat there for like ten minutes, trying to really process what I was doing. I decided I'd put eye drops in and I get them all over my face and notice that Joy, the boss' wife is watching me.
She hates me soo much, it's ridiculous.
Then I came home ate & drank so much I threw up, but all things considered, it was a good day.
I worked 7-5.
That's all I do now, work.
I get 43 hours this week.
I need to get a new drug habit or have a pregnancy scare to stir things up.
Back to the mp3 player.
I keep thinking "Yeah! I should buy it! I'll just put it on my Visa."
But, my visa balance is insane, considering the fact that I only really put impulse purchases on it. I bet I've charged $200 in cigarettes, red bull & munchies for when I'm stoned.
That's kind of scary.
Damn. I wish I had a sugar daddy.
Or, I wish I could manage my money better.
I think I'm going to be more responsible & actually do something with my life.
hot for days
Tuesday I got really stoned and fell out of a house.
And everyday since then I've gotten so stoned I could have fell out of a house.
Ryan & his neighbor made this bong out of stuff that could be found in a ditch. LIKE a traffic cone, two peices of rubber tubing, a frisbee and like twenty nails. I'm in love with it and I think they should sell them.
Hmm. What else.
Yesterday I had the day off & all I did was lay out in the sun, smoke, read The Rum Diary, and drink iced tea. God it was nice.
Then I decided I wanted to get some more records, so I went to Goodwill & got this bombass turtle ashtray.
Then blah blah.
I went to Ryan's neighbor's house and smoked out in his backyard then went to Alex's house to watch a movie then we smoked in his yard. I took Ryan home again & I don't think he hates me anymore.
When Alex is in Colorado, I'm going to invite Ryan to go to the movies with me or something. I little reconnection.
Anyway. I'm actually updating to let everyone know that I have aim again.
the classy broad- that's my name.
First, I'm obsessed with hurricane Katrina coverage. I want to go there & help.
Second, I kind of want to gut anyone who blames it on the people of the gulf. Uh. Fuck you. It's not their fault that the city was built below sea level. No one who lives there now is responsible for the founding of the fucking city. Second, I don't hate on people who didn't leave. Yeah it was a risk, but isn't basically everything? Sure it was foolish, but why blame the victims?
Since I'm revoltingly selfish, I thought to myself "What would I want if I were stranded on a rooftop?"
1. Alex. I love him more than words can describe.
2. a camera.
3. as much weed as the roof can hold [& smoking accessories- lighters, pipes, papers and of course a bong.].
4. a pen & paper
5. clean water
6. pretzels & beef jerky
Then I realize that I can't even imagine myself in the situation. Where I live in Indiana, we're used to streams flooding and big snowstorms and tornados, but still I can't but myself in the situation. & even when it snowed thirty-one inches last winter it still didn't feel real. Probably because I still went to work and it was only the winter so it was real boring anyway.
Anyway, I really want to urge everyone to donate money to help out the victims. There's no reason to bitch about what happened, if you're not going to do anything to change it.
So, since my ridiculous blue period & all this thought of natural disasters, I've really been thinking about what I want to do. I'm not certain yet, but I want to do something to help people. Totally vauge, I know, but I just realized this yesterday, so give me a breaks.
Here's my plan...
1. move to oregon for a year
2. maybe go to college? maybe just learn a trade or something
3. live on an indian reservation... or near one... or in death valley
4. go to africa, europe, australia
5. help people
6. run for political office
7. actually change something
It's just a rough draft, don't hate.
Friday August 26 2005 • 01:26pm
I ate cold chicken fried rice and drank warm coke, trying to figure out how to get the fuck out of here.
I'm in some kind of insane rancid funk.
& it was only made worse yesterday.
I got my hurr did... while I was high. Not a bad idea because it's calming and I've tried things I wouldn't have normally. But, bad when you get your hair dyed black and red. Yeah. What the fuck was I thinking? The bottom longer layers are jet fucking black and the top & shorter layers are highlighted sparkly red. It actually looks good, but it's so NOT ME. I feel like even more of a walking fraud.
Actually, I feel like me at thirteen or something ridiculous.
Fucking jet black and red, Lindsey.
I almost talked Chris in to buying me a purse last night. I would have traded a blow job, seriously. No big. I couldn't find one I liked so he talked about how he wouldn't mind meeting my mom. Yeah. We're getting married soon.
I'm going to go take a shower and go to work.
But, I had an idea to do a photo entry all about my mundane life. So, if any of you can think of anything you want pictures of... just let me know.
Haha. Everyone at work thinks I'm a drug-addicted lesbian. Okay, so maybe they're kind of right, but I'm not one hundred percent either of those. But since I like ladies and drugs make me forget about how much life sucks everyone thinks they know what's up. I got a horrible bug bite on my inside of my arm and it kind of looks like a track mark. And I got a bloody nose at work the other day.
I'm so obsessed with Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. I can't sleep unless it's playing as background music. And I've decided I'm going to get lost in the desert and eat peyote like it's my j-o-b. I know it's typical but sometimes it's fun to be cliche. Like when I get stoned to Sublime. Or like when I drink and listen to country music. Or like when I sneak out of work to smoke cigarettes in my car.
I'm in a bad mood. Like a depressed, helpless, hopeless mood.
I've tried everthing.
Eating my pain.
Smoking away my pain.
Sleeping away my pain.
Drinking away my pain.
So, I think I'm just going to fuck it away & call it a day.
I'm super jealous.
And I'm lazy, super lazy.
Sometimes I hate my job, most of the time when I realize that I'm not making any money. But there are other times when I love it. Mainly because it's not real work, I can wear what I want, I work with high comedy actors who keeps me laughing all night long, and my boss is usually really flexible with my hours. I think I'm going to get another job. This sucks because I hate the hiring procedure and with my daily binge smoking I'd never pass a drug test. How lame "I don't want to get another job because I'd have to stop smoking for a minute." But it's true. Or, I could actually do what I keep saying and move on to bigger and better drugs.
But, I really need to start looking for a new job within the next few months because...
Next Spring/Summer Alex & I are moving to Oregon. We plan to live there a year or so and just spend the time "growing." Meaning getting fucked up everday and living life like it's a big sleepover. I'm so excited though. I'm looking forward to it even though I'm scared he'll grow to hate me. I mean I'm really messy & lazy and I sleep naked and have loud masturbatory sessions. Who would want to live with me? But we're so queer and already planning everything.
END OF BIG NEWS
Plus, the whole money situation sucks lately because some tit wrote a bad check and work and apparently Tim thinks it's MY fault the bitch wrote it. Did I mention it was for $217. And I have to pay off my Capital One card since I kind of went on a spending binge. And I don't really have a lot to show for it. Infact the only thing I have is some resin in my peice and a new pair of pants.
How random is this. I saw this random guy at the bowling alley [gag] and then like a day later he added me on myspace.
I feel like my privacy has been violated.
( random.Collapse )
I cannot sleep.
I think I'm immune to marijuana. Seriously. I smoked for.ev.er on Saturday and I got this miniscule little buzz. So, I'm moving on to bigger and better things. Heroin here I come.
I think I've created a monster with Samantha. We smoked on Thursday & Saturday and she's all "Let's smoke some more. I want more." Well, bitch, when you put down money or fucking pull major strings to even get any, then you can beg for more bowls. Until then, just be content that I'm letting your scavenger ass smoke all my weed.
Isn't pot supposed to mellow you out.
It's just annoying because the only person I've ever smoked out with on a regular basis is Alex who never insists on smoking when he's not throwing down too.
I'm stingy with pot.
Towards the end of Saturday I was so tired of fucking smoking that I packed half bowls and had like at least four hits on my turn.
And then I was talking about how I want to get a new peice and Sam chimes in with "You should get me one too. A cute little glass one like the one you have."
Hold the fuck up.
What? I'm too cheap to buy my own peice, so why would I buy one for you? I'm already supplying you with weed.
Someone needs to teach her manners.
Or weed ettiqute.
I swear I'm not this stingy all the time.
Maybe I am. Fuck you if you think it's a big deal.
I keep picturing myself dying. I smoke way too much. Like basically a pack a day or two and now I only smoke menthols or unfilters. haha or blunts or bowls or joints. And I never went back to the gynecologist for a check up. As far as I know, there are many cysts growing on my ovaries just waiting to off me. Probably. I picture my insides all gunked up with smoke and cysts and bitterness. And fucking frustration. I think that's killing me more than anything.
I haven't had a period since last October. Don't be jealous of me. It's not healthy. It's not good. I miss my period. I at least felt like a female. I don't even really feel like I own a vagina. I'm just renting it for good nights I guess.
How the fuck did I come up with that?
Things are kind of weird between Andy and me. Who is Andy? This kid I work with. We have a similar sense of humor. He has this respect for me since he thinks I'm gay. I think I've told him before that I like boys too, but that didn't even seem to register with him. Anyway. The other day he tells me he wants me to move in with him & go to college with him. Weird. Yep. Then today he begs me to go get him BK Chicken Fries. For whatever reason, I did! Then I went on a cruise lap with him and everything. He told me he wanted to go to the porn store with me. Hello uncomfort.
And when we work together, it's like we're not even at work because we're constantly talking. And for some reason, we just interact well together. When I'm running a register & he's bagging we're so fast that it makes it seem like we have an express line.
I've reached a new level of lame.
So back to how I hate pot.
Basically the only good thing that came out of smoking with Samantha is this weird tension between us that happened back at her house. We had just eaten chocolate sundae cones and we were laying in her bed together close. She looked over at me and closed her eyes and moved in as if to kiss me. I don't know if she thinks that since I like girls that I want to fuck all of my friends, but I laughed. This isn't the first time and will probably not be the last time. Sometimes I want to kick myself in the ass because it's like "Whhhy not do it. It's ass, and probably good practice for something more meaningful." But then I remember the drunken threesome and I roll my eyes and feel regret.
But yeah. Girl friends are weird. Especially ones who are situationally bisexual. What the hell is that? You give real bisexuals a bad name.
Since when did I become an elitist?
Tuesday, if I recall correctly.
But, anyway. It was hilarious.
She played it off and started laughing too then I rolled off of the bed.
I just seem really pensive and bitchy.
How different than usual, right?
I still haven't mentioned my big news.
I'm scared... for some reason.
So, guess what it is.
Monday August 01 2005 • 12:30am
I can't update anymore.
I'm not really sure why.
I do have big news though.
Maybe when I feel like it again, I'll tell ya.
Until then, I'm still reading your updates, and of course NEVER commenting. But, right now too much is going on to even organize into words and sentences and paragraphs. Or even lists!
Everyone should take care of themselves and experience something they're always been too scared to.
And suddenly I feel like a self-help advice.
Roll your eyes at me if you must.
speeding- racing- wow
I snuck out of my house at 2:15 this morning. Alex & I met up and talked like the silly girls we are. I feel so bad for him. His friend from Florida is here and he hates him. This kid, Forest, is as clueless as the days are long. He basically embodies everything that is annoying. He doesn't get anything with any degree of depth, he's too interested in Harry Potter [gag me w/ a spoon], McDonalds and talking about how he's a top... then telling Alex he wants to fuck him. What a top.
Yeah. So I don't even know what was wrong with Alex when he hooked up with this child. He's so anti-Alex's type. From his dyed blonde hair, to his ultra "faggy" eyebrows [seriously, they're like one inch long. it kind of looks like he only has one eyebrow hair over each eye... then he uses mascara to really make it look mega classy] to his lame ass vocabulary. He'll randomly look over at Alex and go "Muy Bien" and then raise his eyebrows and lick his lips.
Clearly, he deserves to die.
In case anyone is wondering why he's here, he bought the plane tickets the day Alex left. This was while Alex's judgement was clouded with drugs, aparently. It's so sad because he's just obligated to be with this lameass this week.
It makes for good jokes.
Anyway, we drove around and talked. He almost cried because he wishes Forest would just die. I made the pain better by dancing to Ciara & packing a bowl. [Oh, this is how I'm such an amazing friend. I went to visit Alex at work yesterday and he was talking about how he needed drugs to put up with Forest. I gladly pulled my super secret cigarette box containing my tiny bowl & the green out of my purse and gave it to him. That's what friends are for.] We got really stoned and kept saying
"The devil's right fucking there!!"
Then I scream and geek out. And he does his stoney laugh and about wrecks.
Then we get really hungry so we go to Sunshine Cafe and both order peach cobbler & dance to Styx. We're so random.
Awww. On the way up there we started brainstorming things we love. We kept saying the same thing at the same time. It's strange sometimes how we do that, but mostly it's comforting.
Oh. I didn't mention what I did before I snuck out. I went to Sam's house. I met her new boyfriend, Victor and hung out with them & David & Brett. Oh my, I love David. I call him Johnny Cobain and he's probably the most caring person I've ever fucking met. Victor's chill, he reminds me of this actor but I forgot who. Oh yeah, the dorky kid from The Breakfast Club! That's him. Anyway. Samantha is such a stoner. We all made plans to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and get fucked up. Yeah, this is the same Sam who broke up with Ryan cause he smoked.
It kind of blows my mind.
I love hanging out with new people. Especially when they're all "Oh my god, Lindsey's so awesome."
But I'm still my number one fan.
I just had a night that made me smile so much my face hurts.
Alex & I made it a movie night at his house. We watched Coffee and Cigarettes and we fell in love. We not only want to make a movie about our lives, but we also want to open our own coffee & cigarette bar. We came up with all of these elaborate ideas of how to decorate it, who would come, what we would serve, and just everything.
We're so idealistic, but it fits.
We paused the movie halfway through and went outside to smoke a cigarette. We giggled and stumbled down his stairs and stood outside his garage, with cigarettes in hand. We talked briefly about how we were headless to each other. It was sooo erie, I could only see him from the neck down.
So we laid down in his driveway and looked up at the stars. It was all hazy so we could only see three, but they were absolutely beautiful.
We came inside & fell in love with Bill Murray.
He took me home and we cruised and listened to the Duets soundtrack.
I really love Alex more than words can ever begin to describe. He and I are closer that I could even fathom. We don't even have to talk, we just understand each other.
It's like he's my gay sister from another mister.
( my life is surreal sometimes.Collapse )
I need clarity but I crave chaos.
I continue down this spiral.
( craziness. this doesn't make sense.Collapse )
I took a box of Coricidin Cold & Cough last night. The entire thing. It was only sixteen pills so I know I wasn't going to die, I just wanted to sleep for a while or maybe be in a coma or something.
Color me dramatic.
All I got was a weird haze, aches, sweating and a little shaking.
Last night is a haze, except for the sweet taste of them on my lips and the stomach ache and then the sweating and shaking. Probably not a good idea. And today my chest has been killing me and smoking an entire pack of cigarettes did nothing to help.
I love menthols. And fuck Shell for being out of Turkist Jade. What the hell?
Last night was a mess.
A fucking mess.
I kind of wish I would have died.
After I took them all, I couldn't move. I laid in my bed and my entire body just fucking ached. I remember laying there and aching but not doing anything. Just laying there in the dark.
I had this splendid dream that I died. And I did't have a funeral, they just burned me and threw the ashes in the garbage. No one cried, but not in a shitty "I'm glad she's dead way." They didn't cry because they knew I'd be back.
Whatever that means.
So, sadly, I woke up today. My sheets were soaked with sweat. My hair was like wild snakes and I just groaned.
I spent the majority of the afternoon screening my phone calls, crying, looking out the window and listening to Patsy Cline and Johnny Cash. Then crying some more. And drinking a lot of water. Then throwing up. Then watching The Heathers. Then pouring hot wax all over my legs.
I'm so dramatic.
The whole sitting in a chair, staring outside into this beautiful fucking day while I cry my eyes out and listen to Patsy Cline made me feel like a patient in an old folks home.
The room spun and I tried to sleep the day away.
Eventually I feel somewhat better.
I think I remember trying to write a suicide letter, but I was too out of it. I can't find it though. Maybe I just imagined it. I also remember trying to smoke up it was too exhausting. I put back on my pajamas because I didn't want anyone to find me passed out and naked.
I don't know what happened.
Saturday June 18 2005 • 04:03am
Things On My Mind.
1. I miss Alex.
2. I want to smoke out.
3. Why can't I sleep?
4. I'm hungry.
5. I'm horny.
6. I need to get razors. [Intution, to be precise.]
7. I hope my car doesn't break down again.
8. What's Alex doing right now?
9. Is my vagina broken?
10. Where did this bruise come from?
11. I should probably stop stealing from work.
12. God. I really want some weed. Not even to just smoke now, just to have the security.
13. Still horny.
14. Stacey's tits are a work of art. They should be painted and worshiped.
15. I should throw away all my porn.
( the rest.Collapse )
That was random enough to make me sleepy.
Wednesday June 15 2005 • 04:08pm
I. I should be in Florida right now. Alex & Ryan are in the Fort Laurderale area drinking, smoking and snorting the week away. They've only been gone since yesterday but Alex called me last night and his cousin, James Brown, called me today. I'm so jealous.
II. My mom and dad keep accusing me of calling 900 numbers. Why call them when I have porn and Chris who calls and fills my phone sex void. Seriously, it was so funny how my dad asked me. I was making and sandwich and he walks into the kitchen all nervous and goes...
"Uhm... have you been calling 900 numbers?"
Lindsey: "Uh. No. Why?"
Dad: "Well, someone has. I got the phone bill and it has two 900 numbers on it. I asked Mandy and she said she didn't."
Lindsey: "Nice to know. I'm never home to call 900 numbers, but thanks."
III. Chris is all crazy and sends me like ten texts a day. "Where are you?" "Where you been?" I finally messaged him back yesterday at work with, "Around." Haha. And then I didn't talk to him again, well until he called last night. I rambled for thirty minutes then he started in with the dirty talk, I wasn't feeling it since I'd masturbated right before he called, and after I woke up and before work, but I played along. He thought I was gettin down and dirty, but little does he know I was reading The Virgin Suicides and chainsmoking.
I got bored with it and said "Wow that was good. I'm sweaty, I'm going to go take a shower now. Night!"
I'm my own hero.
IV. I should be public assitance any time soon. I have $28.05 in the bank right now. Thank god I get paid tomorrow, but I'm just going to blow my check on pot, a new smoking device, and booze.
V. I have the next two days off and it's depressing because I have no plans. I've got no drugs, my love is in Florida, and I'm poor.
WOE IS ME!
I'm going to clean out my beat-ass car and go drive around and pick up some fun.
Wow. I drank so much last night. I pounded four shots of Hot Damn right in a row and chased it with Red Bull. Then I chainsmoked [Camel Menthol Lights], drank two beers, and took about... oh I don't know how many more shots. For a minute I thought the shot glass held about a gallon. It might have. I got up a lot, fell down more, smoked a peach blunt, broke a countertop, spilled beer all over myself, did some James Bond shit- rolling over the hood of Tyler's car. My hands and feet were basically completely black when I woke up. I can't really remember a lot of what I said, or did.
Hot Damn is a pretty good memory eraser.
I think I drove home drunk this morning. Or just really fucking hungover. I feel like shit. I don't know of booze hounds do it. When I was in Florida and I woke up with a hangover, I'd just start drinking right away. Cures that right up. What else...
I can't fucking remember.
Wednesday night I drove Kevin home after work. We smoked out and I got lost. He asked if we were going to the moon because my car sounds like a space shuttle. Tis true. NASA built my car.
After that, I hung out with Samantha and Stacey, I think.
Things are way too hazy.
Thursday night was depressing. Ryan [Sam's ex, the kid I use to work with] is on such a downward spiral. [Haha, says me.] He's started drinking every day and smoking half an oz in like three days. He drinks and goes to work. He drinks and drives.
He asked me if I missed him. I told him I did and he said he missed me so much. He misses working with me and everything. I feel bad because I only call him with I need some drugs. He called me out on that. It's not because I don't want to hang out with him, it's because he gets mad when his friends hang out with Sam, so I thought he wouldn't want to hang out with me. Either way, I'm going to start hanging out with him again. He looked so sad, yet so beautiful that night. I wish I could have taken picture after picture of him.
It's sad to see him just... decomposing like this, but he can learn so much from this, if he chooses to.
Oh yeah, I remember what I was going to say. I had the most fucked up dream when I laid down after getting home this morning. I had a dream me, Alex and Liz were at this house in Richmond and there was cocaine in fucking licorice form. YEAH. In the dream licorice cocaine was awesome and it was the best I'd ever felt. I woke up and I felt that way and I freaked out because I had to be at work later.
I really don't want to go to work.
random and hung over.
Hi. I just started a myspace out of pure boredom since apparently I'm human waste.
Add me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Okay, so Alex and I go to meet up with Ryan [James Brown] at Applebee's. I thinking that he's just going to meet us there and we're going to leave. OH NO. We eat there with his mom, aunt and later his father. He'd already had six beers in under an hour and he's ordering drinks left and right. Having dinner with him is like the movie "The Rules of Attraction." Like when the Richard/Dick character is at dinner, it was exactly like that.
We finally left Applebees and went to the gay bar. Ryan in a gay bar is out of control. He got two lap dances. I saw balls. And Ryan is way touchy on my boobs, and just way touchy in general. So that was fun.
He drinks more at the gay bar.
I try to play pool.
I run into every gay person I've ever met that lives in Richmond.
Ryan hits on every man in the place but insists that Alex is the hottest.
We leave go to Steak 'n Shake and barely eat because we wanted to get stoned.
So we told really loud gay jokes and just acted like insane children.
Ryan tried to order crystal meth and strippers.
We left and smoked out like bandits and I was ripped. The pot that I'm smoking currently is the best shit I've ever had. It's scary though because sometimes it feels mind-numbing.
So we get to the house where Ryan is staying and we drop him off and leave him with many hugs and cheek kisses and we're on our merry little way.
( meeting James St. James, graduation, and the cops.Collapse )
These past couple of days have changed my life.
More on this later.
Wow. Last night is so hazy it's terrifying. Really.
After work I went to get dinner at J's. Samantha was working and she told me that she wanted to go up to Celebrities that night. At first I didn't want to, but that soon changed.
Then I bought some drugs. Then I drove home and smoked some drugs in my romm. Then I masturbated twice, then ate way too much. I was so stuffed I just layed on my bed naked for an hour.
I call Stacey and invite her. I tell her I'll be there in half an hour. Fifty minutes later and one more bowl smoked, I was there. She was drunk so she wasn't exactly suspecting that I was so ripped I was going to die, or the fact that my car reeked of pot. We get to Sam's and she takes forever to get ready. I fill up a water bottle with coconut rum and peach schnapps. Quite possibly the nasiest combonation ever, but it does the trick. We stop at EP so I can get Red Bull + something to mix with. I got a blue raspberry slushie. Bad idea. There were wayyyy to many flavors in that cup.
So, Sam's driving and chainsmoking. She keeps going faster and faster. We're going 60, 65, 70, 75, and finally 80. WE GET PULLED OVER. There's a drunk ass in the front seat and a stoney-bot in the backseat and a water bottle full on booze by my leg. Sam's voice shakes when she talks and Stacey is really jittery. The cop even comments on her being jittery. We're pulled over forever and I'm so scared I almost cry. Finally he gives her the ticket and keeps asking us if we've been drinking or doing any drugs.
I almost LOL.
( the rest.Collapse )
I feel so weird today. I feel absolutely polluted. But I'm going to do the same thing tonight.
I'm over human interaction.
It's almost one and I don't want to sleep.
I want to go out and drive and find someone as lost as me.
I keep thinking of all the places I could go this late/early, but they're pretty limited to gas stations, wal-mart supercenters and kroger.
I wish there was some twenty-four hour drug warehouse next door or something. It's funny how much I try to say it's not an escape when all I can think is "This would be so much easier if I were high."
I talked to Jerrod about hooking me up. He said he'd be in the parking lot waiting for me after I got off of work. He wasn't there. Of course. Andy and I drove around smoking and listening to Jay Z and Peaches, then I got tired of him and dropped him off. Next, I went to Shell to get a pack of smokes. Jerrod comes in. I give him a dirty look and he gets behind me in line and, of course, starts yakking. His voice and vocabulary makes me laugh for days and days. I want to record it and let everyone hear it. He talked forever about how drunk he is and the cops and about how this kid beat up another kid.
I just wanted to grab him by his shoulders and scream in his face..
"I DON'T FUCKING CARE! JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMN DRUGS AND DON'T TALK!"
Instead I nodded and touched his arm and acted like a stupid girl. It's funny how sometimes he's so ugly to me and then other times I just really want to dry hump him. I think the only reason why I like him is of course, thew drugs and the fact that his dad is a stone cold fox. MMMM. I masturbate to mental pictures of his dad. I keep thinking the sexy gene will kick in and he'll stop looking like such a seventeen year old boy. Oh... wait, he is. But maybe it's the fact that he's tan, and tall and hairless. Plus he's american indian too, so we're like family or something.
Ugh. I hate myself today. Really. I'm just like digusted with myself.
Maybe not digusted, just kind of annoyed. Because I'm feel foolish and childish.
Possibly because I am.
Wednesday May 25 2005 • 11:56pm
Sometimes I hate thinking about the future, because I just want to live in the moment and throw everything else out the window. BUT, maybe I should start thinking about my future. Seeing as though I'm a nineteen year old kid with a lame dead-end job, with to be honest, absolutely no prospects of ever growing up and going to college. So, I've decided I'm going to take some MORE time for myself and not go to school in the fall... obviously. So, instead of worrying about school in the fall, I'm going to have a blow out summer.
1. Go on at least one vacation.
2. Get a tan.
3. Go to the gay bar at LEAST every other weekend.
4. Play drunken tennis again.
5. Hang out with Megan more.
6. Stop eating like a single man.
7. Find a friend to sleep with.
8. SAVE MONEY.
9. Plan Cabin Party II, and make it awesome and drama free this time.
10. Spend as much time with friends as I humanly can.
After Summer Plans
1. Go to rehab.
2. Go to the free clinic to get an abortion and some penicillin.
After Summer Plans
1. Get another job. If I haven't already been fired from the current.
2. Take art classes + writing workshops.
3. Read more.
4. Really think about my future.
5. Go on mini vacations.
Maybe I'll never find out what I want. But, I'm content right now. I really am.
Alex brought up the idea of me going to Florida with him in like two weeks. I could NEVER swing that with my boss. I've been there less than a year and I just took a ten day vacation two months ago. But I really just want to travel. I love being a stranger. I want to go to Florida again SOOO BADLY. Especially since this time would be absoulutely filled with drugs, booze, and gay boys. Which are seriously my three favorite things of all time. I thought about quitting my job, and just worrying about money when I get back from Florida. I know I can't do that though. My job, while mindless and horrible at times, is comfortable. I don't wear a uniform, I rarely do anything, plus my boss is really nice. I get queasy when I think about getting another job. They'll be a drug test [which I'll fail. I smoked today. And will smoke myself retarded in Florida.] training and a uniform. And I'd actually have to work hard and make new work friends. I'm lame squared. So, I'll just wait until something better comes along...
like an insanely rich older man who's keen on supporting my drug and handbag habits.
Yeah, that's the ticket.
I'm pretending that I'm a celebrity and answering The Same Five Questions We Always Ask, just like in JANE.
What secret urge do you get but never act on?
I kind of have a lot. The one I'm almost always living with is throwing EVERYTHING away. Sometimes I'll dangle my cell out the window and drive really fast hoping it'll slip out of my hands and smash on the road. I'd be devistated, but it'd be freeing.
What's the worst you've ever screwed anyone over?
Since I'm young yet, I haven't screwed anyone over too badly. I've just done a lot talking behind backs and lying.
If you were forced to get a tattoo at gunpoint, what would it be?
It would be "let go." in Alex's handwriting. It would be on my foot and it would be small and black outlined with white.
Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Absolutely. Not recently though. I'm not kidding myself anymore. If you don't get me off, you're going to hear about it.
Who's on your celeb's to make out with list?
I kind of have a sick obsession with celebrities lately. But I don't really want to make out with many of them, but just for giggles...
- Angelina, always at the top of my list.
- Damien Rice, then he could write a song about me.
- Paris, then I'd be an instant celebrity.
How sickening, I take it back.
- Billy Bob, he's so fucking hot to me. mmmm old, dirty, southern man.
If you feel so inclined, ask me any question and I'll respond in another entry.
I went to the gay bar again last night. In one word it was... well it can't be described in just one word. I want to say amazing, but that's not it... fun, freeing and sexy might fit better.
I'll start from the begining. Since Thursday or so, I had been in a rotten mood. I don't know what my problem is. I kind of think it's just that I'm disenchanted and bored with my life. That and I'm so unmotivated with everything. I was having a week of self-pity. So, I was trying to weasel my way out of going to the gay club. But, Alex forced me. And I'm so happy he did.
We met at Sam's house and discussed what drinks we were sippin' on. Sam chose vodka, of course. But I wanted to party with the captain, so I brought Parrot Bay. I almost completely filled a 20 oz bottle and we were on the road. We stopped at J's to get chasers, then at Shell to get cigarettes and then off we were. We sang along to feel good music and Sam and I drank. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started feeling good again.
This is kind of boring, so I'm going to make it a list.
- We got lost and ended up in this Hooverville in Dayton. Seriously we drove around this fucking housing project for about twenty minutes because drunkasses should NOT give directions.
- Getting lost sobers a bitch right up. Even though I had a large Hi-C+rum and a red bull.
- We go in and smoke and scan the place. I text Chris and tell him to get there NOW.
- Sam realizes that she left the bottle of vodka in her purse and I realized that I left my cigarettes in Alex's car, so we both go out to his car and proceed to chug the rest of our alcohol. And I'm drunk.
- We go inside and there's a drag show. They perform to "Hollaback Girl" and I scream along with them, fall off my stool and suddenly feel like I'm going to pass out.
- I go to the bathroom because I feel like I'm dying. I proceeded to dance in the bathroom and crashed into the papertowel dispenser.
- I come back out of the bathroom and chain smoke until I feel better.
- I fall in love with a drag queen and I run up to the stage to tip her and she grabs my hand. It was looooove at first sight! Funny because that was the song she was performing.
- The drag show is finally over and they start playing Britney so we all go to the dance floor and dance for a minute. For the record, I'm a terrible dancer. I move like a robot and not in that cute way. Dancing with Liz made me feel better because she's extremely white too.
- I only dance for one song and I run back to the table to get my purse and there's some guy just standing by our table, drinking a beer. I smile and wave and he says Hi. I get my phone and take a picture of Sam and Liz dancing in the cage. It didn't come out, but I don't even care.
- Maybe it was the booze talking, or Sam's ridiculous amount of self- confidence, but she was sooo fucking attractive to me last night. I wish she would have danced with me because I would have made out with her a little.
- I sent Chris another text and I stumbled off my stool again.
Some more stuff happened but my memory is a tad hazy.
So, in conclusion, booze makes clubs better and I'm going to take dancing lessons and also take lesbian lessons.
We drove back to Richmond and ate breakfast at Steak 'n Shake and made plans to go home and get it crunk again. We came home, watched 13 Going on 30 and played MASH and had a slumber party.
What a perfect night.
Tuesday May 17 2005 • 12:17am
So, Saturday night/Sunday morning, Alex and I were driving around and we started talking about tattoos. We spoke of how we'd only get words because they're more important that symbols. I said I wanted to get a word, or a few words somewhere on my feet or on my shoulder blade. It's funny because I went through a period when I wanted every pericing and tattoo. I've long since recovered from that, thank god. And I'd be lying if I didn't say that I think ninety percent of tattos are ugly and pointless, but there are some that are meaningful and beatiful.
Alex comes to see me at work today and rolls up his sleeve to reveal two black printed words, outlined in angry red skin. "nothing better" it says. I am floored. I feel partially responsible, having exposed him to The Postal Service and shared my love with him. It's crazy. I know he didn't get it for me by any means, but I know that without me, it wouldn't be there. I sound shockingly selfish, but it's me.
I've decided that sometime soon I want to take the plunge. After thinking about it for several hours. [haha] I've decided that I want to get either
1. voglio cambiare. [it means "i want to change" in italian, in case you don't already know]
3. let go.
I want it to be in Alex's handwriting. I love that idea. And I can't decide if I want it with black ink, red ink, pink ink, white ink or green ink. Hmmm. I want it on my foot or ankle, but not in that cheezy "rose-on-ankle" type of thing. I thought about getting a single cherry blossom at the end of the word, but that might be much.
I've got time to think about it.
I fucking hate money. First off, I'm broke as a fucking joke. I have $55 and some change in my checking account. TWO WEEKS AGO I sent in my credit card bill and instead of paying the $10.00 min I paid $100.00. Well, the cocksuckers have not recieved payment. Which really pisses me off more than you would believe.
I have fucking blew through sooo much money within the past week. I dropped over a grand on the way to and in Florida. And since then I've probably dropped another five hundred.
So, I got a lovely threatening letter from the fucking credit card company, word to the wise, NEVER do buisness with First Financial Bank. They're devils and will basically try to fuck you out of every cent. [Probably like every other credit card company.] My previous bill was ONE day late and they charged me a $37.00 late fee. And now that all this bullshit is going down they charged me almost $82.00. This doesn't sound like a lot to people out in the real world, but my card only has a $150.00 limit! So as of now my balance is over $209.
SON OF A FUCKING BITCH.
So in conclusion, I'm going to take a gun to the post office and kill all of them, then to the bank then to Iowa or Idaho or whereever the fuck the dumbass credit card company is.
Okay, not really, but I'm mega angry.
Like fucking HULK angry.
It would be nice if I could pay this shit online but the fucking company charges me nine dollars to do that. In my world nine dollars is substancial. It's three packs of smokes, a movie ticket and half of a drink, almost half a tank of gas, or two lunches. GODDAMN THE MAN.
From now on, I can apparently only spend money on bills [I only have two. Credit card and my cell] and gas. I'll just steal cigarettes from now on.
This really fucking puts a damper on me going on a shopping spree on Friday.
I'm glad I weasled my way in to getting more hours this week.
I think I'm going to get a second job and stop eating. I swear to god I'd save so much money if I didn't eat.
I think I'll try that.
And when I pay this bitch off, I'm charging to high heaven again. MAX THAT SHIT OUT... again.
mood: FUCKING ANGRY
Sunday April 10 2005 • 11:00pm
I'm ditching this bs and I'm getting a new journal. So far, it's taking me forever to think of a new name. Any suggestions are welcome.
I officially hate my birthday. From now on, I will have no expectations or make any indication of what I want for my birthday. Because, inevitably I'll be let down. Hell, I won't even expect my so-called best friends to even fucking acknowledge my birthday.
mood: pissed the fuck off.
The "End of Days" party was cancelled. Apparently, going to Brick Street is more fun than drinking and watching movies. NEVER. I like how I'm a bitch and a flake when I cancel to hang out with Alex, but Sam+Stacey can cancel and hang out with the Joeys and I should be okay with it. I'm going to bring that up tonight. Plus, Alex is fun and the Joeys are boring and over-sexed. I hate straight men for that reason. I don't like when they relate EVERYTHING back to fucking, like it's some goddamn special thing. I can't stand being around virgin Joey because he's always talking about new positions and tricks and making Sam's stuffed animals perform sexual acts on one another.
We're back to junior high, welcome.
Let's call all of the boring breeder boys "lameosexuals".
Alex and I went to Richmond and did some BYOB shopping. [Bring Your Own Bag, for those who don't know. It's our slang for shoplifting. You bring in an old shopping bag and put a sweatshirt inside, so it looks like you're making a return or something.] He stole me a purse yesterday. I shall love it for days and days. We had fun without the aid of marijuana, which as bad as it sounds, was a complete let down. He was acting queenie and we were being big bitches to each other. I thought he hated me because it'd been since Saturday since we'd talked. Yes, that's strange.
While I was gone, my mom went on a rampage and called my cell and left a most dramatic voicemail. If I don't call she automatically thinks I'm dead in a ditch. And, she called Sam's house too and talked to her mom. It's funny that she's trying to be a parent now, when last year I stayed out all night and didn't tell her where I was going, who with or anything. Hmm. And instead of just being out with Alex, back then I was out with... well you know who.
I got carded twice yesterday. The first and most humorous time of the night was buying Unzipped for Alex. The cashier asked me if I had my id and I pulled out my wallet and held it up to her. She made some kind of face and then said she couldn't see it because of the glare, so I put it down on the counter and she studied it for far too long. Then she looked up at me, made another face and said "You're not eighteen." I scoffed and said, "Yes, yes I am." and pointed to the sentence under my picture which reads "UNDER 18 UNTIL 02/20/2004." She looked at me, dumbfounded and said "And?!" I lol'ed and said "Uh... it's 2005..." She still looked confused but allowed me to buy my homsexual porn magazine.
Then, when I was buying cigarettes the cashier asked for my id. I've never been asked to show my id in any gas station in town. It's unheard of. Maybe they're just cracking down, but still it was strange.
I felt so underage.
I feel as if I should update about something big that's been happening, but it never feels like the right time. So, instead I'll just leave you all in suspence. Ha.
Hey, come join the party. Sam, Stacey and I are having an "End of Days" party tomorrow night. We play to
- be gay
Or, at least I plan on all three. We had this big discussion about how the world is ending and it doesn't really matter because we have no morals or dreams. Haha. How hopeless. So, I'm bringing over my Greg Araki films and we're renting The Day After Tomorrow and we're going to cry and drink and smoke.
Wouldn't it be just amazing if the world ended tomorrow.
What would you regret?
I get that the weather is screwy in Indiana, but on Wednesday the projected high temp is 60 and on Friday the high is a mere 20. There was a tornado that touched down last week. I was awoken by thunder in the middle of the night. Thirty-one inches of snow melted in five days.
Things like this happen all the time. I'm not really so worried.
I like to talk about it because it gives me goosebumps and makes me glad that I've had so much fun lately.
I really need to make a serious update of what has gone down recently, but I feel too shallow and horny to really concentrate.
By the way, I just thought of a New Years Resolution
- Get to know my lj friends better.
Add me to your messengers, or leave me your names and I'll add you.
I am truly not as big a bitch as I come off as... really.
aim: the classy broad
Year In Review
1. I turned eighteen.
2. I lost my innocence.
3. I graduated high school.
4. I started smoking cigarettes.
Probably a bad idea.
5. I tried some illegal substances.
6. I got my first job.
7. I've saved a hefty chunk of cash.
8. I've become closer to my friends.
9. I've become more independent.
10. I voted for the first time.
I can't really think of anything bad that's happened. Laura and I have stopped being friends, but that's not really a bad thing, since it's only logical and mutual. P doesn't talk to me anymore and Chris only uses me. But, I'm still content with this year. I wouldn't change anything that's happened.
Almost all of my favorite memories are from 2004. This is, by far, my best year.
1. Alex + Kim knocking on my window after eleven on my birthday night.
2. Seeing Monster on my birthday with Alex + Kim.
3. Playing Sorry in the bookstore.
4. Skipping school.
5. Riding in a limo on prom.
6. Crying my eyes out the last day of school.
7. Smoking with Samantha and catching up on the year we hadn't talked.
9. P. and his impossible promises.
10. Steak 'n Shake.
11. Watching porn.
12. Hanging out at Exotic Fantasies.
13. Hating my first week of work sooo badly.
14. Driving with Sam and Stacey on the smoke route.
15. Getting drunk at Stacey's dad's wedding.
16. Anchorman. All four times I saw it in theaters.
17. Getting drunk and Sam's with Alex.
18. Alex's bonfire.
19. Trying pot with Megan + her roomates + Alex.
20. More Steak 'n Shake.
21. My ATM card.
22. Smoking out sooo bad at Ryan's house. We ordered a pizza and ate it all in four minutes.
23. The time I went to work hungover.
24. Becoming closer to Megan.
25. Becoming soo incredibly close to Alex.
26. The ill-fated Halloween party.
27. Buying pot for the first time.
28. Pillow fights with Sam and Stacey.
29. Becoming close to Ryan.
30. Riding in Alex's car.
31. Blazer trips to Richmond at midnight.
33. Penis Balloons.
34. Living without regret and loving it.
35. Almost wrecking with Abby.
36. After Prom.
37. Driving on the bridge that feels like it's collapsing.
38. Drunken drama.
39. Hit and run.
40. Having a crush on my boss.
I offically love my life. Even with my lack of direction and irresponsible good times, I'm in love.
What a fucking way to start off the New Year. Almost killing myself and getting raped.
Here's a little math equation for you all
Lindsey + two bowls + fog + unlined backroads = major swervage
Well, I turned on to a long backroad to my house and noticed that there was a van or truck behind me. Well fuck, I thought to myself. But being it a truck or van, I knew I was in the clear, police wise anyway. I'm driving along, changing from brights to dims like every five seconds, and while swerving and going about 20 mph. Well the truck/van keeps getting closer and closer and I get more and more nervous. My contacts are so dry and the road is so fuzzy. The van starts flashing it's lights at me and then it finally turned on it's hazards. FUUUCK. Undercover cop?
I throw the pipe under my seat and the pull off to the side of the road. The van pulls off behind me, then comes up to my side. He puts his window down and asks me if I need help. I stumble around for words, and finally assure him that I don't. Blah blah. I'm shaking and I seriously feel like I'm going to cry. He keeps asking me if I want him to follow me to my house, so I'll get there in one peice. I try to tell him that I haven't been drinking, and he scoffs and says "The hell you haven't." I get more nervous and scared and he said he could give me a ride or something. My palms sweat. I stammer. He asks me my name and I don't respond. He says his is Dustin. I finally respond with Lindsey. WHY DIDN'T I GIVE HIM A FAKE NAME?! He asks me if I'm 32, and it took me several seconds to realize that he meant my age. I laughed and said no and he said "Older or much younger?" I emphasised "much younger" and I told him to go ahead in front of me and that I'm fine, I just live up the road. After asking if I need his help one more time, he finally decides to go ahead of me, but not before saying "When you drink and drive, you lose." No shit buddy.
He pulls away and luckily turns the opposite way as me.
I kind of wish a cop had pulled me over so I could prove that I didn't even fucking see any alcohol tonight, yet alone fucking drink. But, had a cop pulled me over, he could have found my pipe and my sad scrapings of pot left in the baggie in my purse.
I hope I never see Dustin again. Ew. What if he comes in the store and starts screaming "THERE'S THAT DRUNK DRIVER!" and I get fired and turned in to the police?
Ahhh. I'm so stressing. Goodbye buzz.
I hope everyone had a good new years eve.
I can barely breathe. I'm so freaked out now. I wish there was someone I could talk to, but Alex is at a party now drinking and he doesn't want to talk on the phone, and all my other friends don't love me anymore. I feel like crying now so bad.
Mother fuck I'm stupid.
I hope that the first entry of the year isn't an indication for how well the year will be, because, if so, I'm seriously fucked.
I had fun besides almost dying and almost being raped tonight.
Next NYE will be spent in a hotel/motel, if I'm not dead/pregnant/in rehab by then.
I'm still shaking.
New Year's Resolutions
1. Be more fabulous.
2. Stop acting so straight.
3. Kiss Megan on the lips.
4. Stop smoking so much.
5. Mend broken relationships/ kick out emotional drags.
6. Party like a rockstar.
7. Actually make a go at college.
8. Have no regrets.
I hope everyone reading this has a great new year.
Ladies and Gents, Jesus Claus is real! Here's the proof... after months of ignoring me, P left me a merry x-mas message. Unless, this is some really mean joke. Maybe my phone was acting up.
I'm excited either way.
I'm in an exceptionally good mood. This could be attributed to the X-Mas cheer I smoked on the way home from Grannie's. Yum. Many thanks to Jerrod, the supercarryout boy. I bought for the first time on the 24th. Just a bowlfull, at it was a mere 2.00. A steal!!
I would make one of those silly list detailing everything I got, but I'll spare you all. [Yeah, it surprises me that I opt to not list evvverrything too.] But, some of my favorites weeeereee...
- My turntable/cd player. I'm in fuuucking love.
- To Wong Foo on dvd. You don't know how I've loved this movie. I watched it for the first time when I was like thirteen and since then, I've been addicted to glamor.
- black + red checkbook wallet. It's silly how I'm soo excited about a wallet, but it's go organizational.
- Eternal Sunshine cd
- grass green camisole
- cd player for my car. Sadly, this means no more rocking out to my Tiffany cassette.
I don't know why, but I looked fucking cute today. I look so young right now. I wish I would have taken a picture before I got all slanty-eyed and silly, because I was a sight. Now I'm just rocking out my new pink+green+cream stipe flannel pants, grass green cami and a pj top that I got when I was like eleven. It fits like some kind of sex blazer. I want to sleep in the same bed as someone tonight.
Alex and I met up to exchange presents today. We met at Shell, exchanged, smoked and read part of his present. I got him Friction, which I'm fairly certain is the best book of gay erotica. He bought gas, and we drove over to the store's parking lot and sat there reading and drinking hot cocoa. I love how I can just sit with him and be so happy. This boy means the world to me.
I exchanged presents are grannie's house. Talked and listened to my crazy Great Uncle's jokes. He's plum goofy. I played with the dog and it a family tradition, we watched A Christmas Story. Blah blah.
On the way home, I thought, gee I should smoke a bowl. And soooo I did. I ended up driving around for thirty minutes, just aimlessly wandering around back roads. It was so calm and serene. And there was some awesome nostaglic rap music on today. I kind of just wanted to stay in the car forever.
But, instead, I eventually made my way home and set up my record player. I listened to The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind soundtrack and almost wept. Next, I listened to my Dolly Parton record, but I wasn't in the mood, so I watched To Wong Foo again. [For the third time today.] I ate dinner and laid in bed reading and being happy, warm and comfortable.
I saw my phone light up with a vmail noticed and I listened. It was Alex reading erotica to me. I returned his call and we talked about our day some more and he read more sexy. He's jealous because I smoked a bowl without him, but he took like six pills so he shouldn't be so hasty. We're in the works of making plans for NYE, but I'm not certain what we're doing. We might just drive around, listening to music, talking and stoning and zoing out.
Ugh. Now I'm coming back to reality and remembering that I have to work at one in the afternoon. =/
And on top of it all, maybe I just imagined the P thing. Nope, it's still there. It was just a Christmas Miracle, and now that it's 12/26, he can go back to forgetting I'm alive.
All things considered, I had an awesome day celebrating commercialism and greed. I hope you all had a good holiday too, even if you did it in the played out religious way.
Wednesday December 22 2004 • 10:09pm
... and a foot of snow later. I feel like a prisoner. I haven't smoked a cigarette since this morning at one, I couldn't cruise around smoking and talking on the cell because I was all erect waiting to slide off the car and die in a fiery crash. I would have killlled for the fiery part today after work. I got my hands so cold that they turned bright red/pink and ached like they were going to fall off. I reached into my glove box and pulled out my emergency pj pants and tee shirt. I wrapped my hands in them and drove home screaming at the top of my lungs.
Yeah. At least I work with one nice person. I'm not sure if I've ever talked about the fabulousness that is Richard Pruitt. He's the strangest person you could ever imagine. He's this goofy looking 6'5 tall 350 massive man who never speaks clearly and who you probably think is slightly retarded. He's apparently not. He configured [or whatever] all of the computers in the store and just graduated from college. He's the leader of the Democratic party in our county and he organized all of the parties and stuff for the election. Anyway, he drives this old blue truck with a Kerry Edwards 2004 bumper sticker right next to a tractor pulling sticker. Oh, and he's in this amazing incestuous relationship with his mother. NO JOKE. I'm so facinated with this man, that I bring him up in ever conversation. It's really unnatural and quite creepy. But, I digress. Richard offered to take me home today since he just lives down the road from me. I declined, but he then helped me knock the snow off my car with a broom. As I was pulling out of my parking space, I see this massive big foot creature come up and wipe off the snow from my tail lights. How nice.
I had, quite possibly the longest day ever yesterday. Which, is pretty ironic because it was the shortest day of the year. I worked nine hours, shopped for three, rode to richmond, smoked a joint and got mega fucked up, burnt three holes in my beautiful coat, ate a strawberry shortcake and tried not to feel like I was dying. It took me like twenty minutes to get home from town because I was going so slow. It was soo nice to feel out of my body because it's been a while since I've gotten that lit. OOOHHH.
BEST THING EVER: instead of saying "smoke out" like we usually do, Alex and I are now saying "stone out then zone out." You can use it too.
I'm so sad about x-mas.
I'm not exactly done with my shopping, but I've bought enough to get by. I wanted to get Alex a quailty porn and sam and stacey sex toys. Damn Exotic Fantasies for not taking checks. Speaking of checks and stuff... today I got a letter from the debit card company about my new pin number. AGGGGHHH. I fucking love my old pin number. It's forever etched in my mind and I even remember it when I'm baked out of my mind and forget everything else. But the worst and most annoying part of the letter, it was adressed to Kelly M. Lindsey. ARRHHHH. Goddamn me and my three first names. So, when I get my new card, I bet I'll have to send it back so I can get the right fucking name put on it. What a chode.
I ate two peices of chocolate cake and I feel like I'm going to explode. Instead, I'll wrap some presents and hope to get copious phone calls to curb my boredom and cabin fever.
Monday December 20 2004 • 10:01pm
Another word for x-mas: stress.
So, it's the 20th of Decemeber and I'm not done with my shopping. Not even close. I might have a busy week.
1. Work 8-5
3. party with the gay boy and his cousin
1. Work 11-4
3. hang out with Martha
4. hang out with Kim
5. make cookies
6. have a sleepover with Stacey+Sam
7. exchange presents with them
1. Work 5-9
2. wrap prsents
3. hang out with Alex?
1. work 12:30-6
2. wrap presents
I'm going to force myself to get into the spirit. I'm going to go shopping tomorrow and I'm going to try to enjoy it and get it all done and wrapped up. And, as a present to myself, I'm going to get ripped and come home and rest my bones.
Now I'm in a better mood.
Hi. My vagina hurts like post sex, even though... well you know.
Anyway, I just got home from Sam's. I'm trying to mend our relationship. It'd be much easier if
1. I wasn't so dishonest about certain things. like, drug use and her boyfriend.
2. She wasn't so dramatic/passive agressive/crazy.
I don't remember if I updated about it, but basically on Tuesday she had a slight breakdown and started crying because of all the Florida bullshit. I don't know if I want to go to Florida, or if I'll have the money to go to Florida, or if I'll have fun with her there. I mentioned that I was flirting with the idea of going with Alex and she started crying and says that Alex means more to me than she does.
I, of course, didn't tell her that. I just told her that we have a bond and a lot in common. Drama. She said
Given the choice to hang out with me or Alex, you'd choose him.
I told her she'd do the same thing in reguards to Ryan and me.
Apparently, it's different because they're together.
I told Alex this and he said that he and I are practically dating, so she can kick rocks.
And, I thought about it, and we should date. So what if he's gay and I don't know if I'm straight or not. Those are minor threads in the tapistry of life.
Oh. My. God. Tim [my boss] knows my life story.
I went to the bank to put a hold on my card and order a new one. Well, I come in to work and tell him what happened. He asked me where I could have lost it, and I replied with "here or Richmond" he said "or you could have left it at that married man's house."
What? How does he know? And more importantly, why can't he be the next.
I'm horrible, that's a fact.
It's kind of sad how he know's my life story. Do you?
Tell me things you think you know about me, but aren't sure. Or, for a less complicated version, ask me questions.
Tuesday December 14 2004 • 11:31pm
Jesus. I lost my fucking debit card. This wouldn't bother me, except for the fact that every single cent to my name is in either my savings or checkings, both of which are controlled by that little goddamn black card.
I'm seriously going to cry my eyes, if I don't find it. There aren't many places it could be.
1. Shell. The last place I used it, on Saturday around eleven o'clock. And I'm almost certain that I brought it back in the car with me. I called them and asked if anyone turned in a credit card and they said no.
2. Energy Plus. This is where I dropped my car off and Alex picked me up.
3. Steak 'n Shake. I don't remember much because I was really fucked up. Alex picked up the bill, but I can't remember if I had my debit card out or not.
4. Alex's car.
5. My car.
6. My house.
7. My car.
9. My mom's car.
10. Where I work.
11. Sam's house.
12. Pizza King.
I'm combed through my car at least five times. I picked up my bed and looked underneath. I called Alex and had him check his car. I called Shell, Energy Plus and Steak 'n Shake.
I just want to cry. Then have my tears bring back that precious peice of plastic.
So, I'm going to sleep incredibly restlessly, wake up and call all the places again. Clean out my car, and go to the bank and see what I can do.
It's ridiculous how much I use that thing. I use it when I buy gas, when I buy smokes, even when I buy .69 teas at work. And since September/October, all of my cash goes through the bank. I pick up my check from work, take it across the street, put 1/3 in my savings and 2/3 in my checking. I don't do cash anymore.
And, of course if I report my card as stolen, it'll be at least 7-10 days until I get a new one. Keep in mind I still haven't really gone x-mas shopping, and I need gas like a fiend, so I'm basically fucked.
I hope some miarcle happens and it just falls from the skies and back into my wallet. For some reason, i doubt that'll happen. Goddamn. I'm mad.
I don't think someone stole it because nothing's been charged on it since I bought gas. I know if I was going to steal a credit card, I'd go buck ass wild and spend to my heart's content. So, maybe it's just somewhere I haven't looked.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I've forgotten everything. On Sunday when Alex picked me up for the x-mas party, I hopped out of my car without thinking and left the radio on and the key in the ignition. Two and a half hours later, I climb back in and realize what I'd done.
And today I couldn't remember if I clocked off or not on my lunch break.
Maybe what they say about pot and memory loss is true. Either way, what I wouldn't give to be smoking a bowl and puffing away all of my anxiety about dealing with this bullshit.
Friday December 03 2004 • 06:11pm
Is it just me, or is everyone broke as a joke this x-mas? My cell phone bill is due on the eleventh, so that knocks out some cash. Samantha has seventeen dollars to spend for two weeks. Alex has a $500.00 car insurance bill due in two weeks and $80.00 in the bank. Let's all rob banks. I'll start by stealing from work. Or, rather, I'll continue.
I finally made out my x-mas wishlist for my mom. I left out the things I wanted really bad. like...
1. lip injections
4. camel unfilters
5. a raise
6. quality sex toy
7. power over all males
Think about it, it's not really all that much.
On my realistic list, I just mostly had dvds and cds. My mom laughed when she saw how eclectic my list was. I asked for the new Mos Def cd, a Loretta Lynn collection, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind soundtrack among other things. Because I truely am that awesome. And I asked for a turntable even though I know I won't get it, seeing as though I've been wanting one since I was fourteen. Eww. I'm almost nineteen. I'm going to cry my eyes out on my birthday. =/ I'm celebrating in March since apparently Februrary is the month of death. [Sam's dad, uncle and grandparents all died in Feb]. Plus it'll be warmer in March so I can dance naked outside in a drug-induced haze and not die of hypothermia. I miss seventeen.
I'm such a nerd. Today after I got home from the bank I itemized all of my spending for November. Somehow I spent almost 700.00. Uh.. I only have one bill and it was only like 47.00 last month. So, maybe I was just a little frivolous last month. Not like I won't totally blow a ridiculous amount of money after x-mas on myself. I'm going shopping with the gay boy so he can teach me how to be fabulous. Or, maybe the other way around. You see, Alex has this theory that I'm actually a black drag queen. I'd bore you with the details, but the main idea is really the most humorous.
It's Friday night and I'm content that I'm home doing nothing.
I haven't updated in a week. But, who noticed?
Things have been the always standard.
On Saturday Alex and I went to Richmond to see Megan. We got stupid fucked and ended up getting lost in the really bad part of Richmond. I'm fairly certain I witnessed a carjacking, but I was probably just imagining it. Plus, I had shiverbones.
I got in to two fights yesterday. One verbal and one physical. It was complete with a screaming match across the street in town. I was waiting for the cops to come. The other was hardly even a fight, it was just me throwing punches and everyone looking on completely flabergasted. It's nice when I can still shock people. I think I need some anger managment courses, or some drugs. I'll settle for the latter.
I hated work again last night. I called Jerrod an asshole and punched him in his man tit and told Dan Dan the Gay Man to fire him. Then Jerrod got sad and ignored the pregnant girl and me and sulked in the back. He finally re-emerged and begged me to come to the produce/bread asile to keep him company. He's such a girl it hurts. He said the funniest thing ever yesterday though. He was talking about the stuff he had just bought and the size of the nugs and stuff and he said "I didn't know if I should smoke the fuckers or decorate them and put presents under them." He's funny sometimes.
I know my work schd up until Jan 1st. I work x-mas eve, new years eve and new years day. So, that basically thwarts any plans of getting fucked up. Pyshc. When would I let a silly thing like work get in the way of something so obviously important.
I've decided with one of the checks I get after X-mas, I'm going to treat myself in a major way. I'm not going to save any of my money or waste it on gas or anything silly.
I'm going to blow it on a hair cut and dye, clothes, accessories, drugs and maybe a nice dinner.
I really am that selfish.
Anyone else hate Thanksgiving? Don't get me wrong, giving thanks is nice and all, but how much of this holiday is really about this. It should be called Gluttony Day. And I sooo despise stinky xgiving food. Instead of dry turkey, lumpy mashed potatoes and toxic gravy, I decided to create my own menu.
- Spicy crab sushi
- Terayki noodles
- gourmet bbq chicken pizza
Everyone is invited over tomorrow for leftovers.
Plus I worked this morning and we were soooo fucking busy. More annoying than how busy we were, was all of the moronic questions I got asked over and over again. like,
1. Where are the french fried onions?
Right under the green beans, you ugly turd.
2. How late are you guys open?
Two- exactly like the ten signs around the store say! Keep in mind, there's this massive poster on a pole right next to my register.
3. Where is the broth?
Gee, I don't know maybe in the soup aisle?!
4. Where are the fresh flowers?
Wouldn't they be in the produce department?
5. "Where the hell is your damn pie crust in a damn box?"
Hey captain, calm down and try the the frozen section.
Probably the funniest thing was when this guy came in with bad celery with a snail crawling all over it. Tim had gone to the other store and he came back and asked why the celery was up on the return table. I told him and he said with a complete straight face,
"What's wrong with that guy?! I didn't even charge him for the snail!"
It was cute.
I love my boss again.
Too bad we don't have a "Secetary" type of relationship. For a while I thought we could, but he was just a nonsexual jackass. And really, what's the fun of that?
I miss Alex. I haven't seen him in ages. Or, since Tuesday. I might spend the night at Sam and Stacey's, but I kind of don't want to. They kind of, oh how do you say, rubbed me the wrong way the other night. I think Sam is hella jealous because Ryan got a job with me. It's not like I'm going to jump on his peice. After all, I'm all talk. You know what, I hate these dysfunctional teenage realationships. bf/gf tragedy over ownership and censorship.
It's a waste of t-i-m-e.
I am in love with Party Monster. Absolutely in the with the film.
James St. James is my idol of the month.
New Rule: I'm not allowed to do anything when I'm fucked up.
Case in point, I passed out in the car last night and missed Sam almost hitting two freaks walking down the highway at eleven in the pouring rain. I missed Alex's calls and didn't even realize until tofuckingday. I ate sooo much. Like, a brownie fudge sundae from Tcby and 1.5 cheeseburgers and an icee from BK and then a chicken sandwich from Steak 'n Shake. I've had the worst stomach ache ever today. I wonder why. And the worst part of it all, I bought the worst porn ever produced. Well, probably not the worst, but close. EWWWWW and I freaking had to use the bathroom in the porn store. Ewwww. Keep in mind this joint had no t.p, so I used old recpiets.
True story. Painful true story.
Turkey day is next week and it doesn't mean annnyythhhing at all to me.
1. I hate Thanksgiving food.
2. I'm Native American.
In summary, I'll be eating some Chinese food and gettin' my sloth on. I work 7-12, but that's nothin'.
Speaking of work, I have to do that tomorrow at seven. =/ And for the next two weeks, I'll only have one day off a week. Which, is really better than only getting 31 hours a week, so I shouldn't complain.
Someone else should go to Miami University of Ohio next year and let me live with them. I'll perform sexual acts for you, provide you with many laughs and some yummy green stuff if you're in to that. It'd soooo be worth it. Think about it.
This weekend was soo typical.
Things That Happened
1. Hit and run.
3. Smokeout bandit style.
and much more.
No details, in order to protect the guilty party. MYSELF.
Well, except just these few. I got superhuman strength last night. Really, like I was running and jumping over stuff and dragging something. You should have seen me. That and we stopped in a church parking lot to try to disguise what we stole. It was sooo classic, like from a movie.
I probably shouldn't have had three days off, because I'm seriously dreading work tomorrow. But, you'll have that. I need something to occupy my time when I'm not comitting crime.
( reader participation survey.Collapse )
I somewhat attempted to catch up on my friends page. I have been revoltingly horrible at being an lj friend as of late. Forgive me.
I've basically lost faith in my country. I doubt I'll vote next time around, especially if I'm living in Indiana. And why does it even matter when not ever 60% of eligible voters actually voted.
I feel sick to my stomach imagining another four years.
Maybe we'll set goals to bomb EVERY country who doesn't one hundred percent submit to us.
Maybe they'll be no job growth except for cheap mim wage part time jobs.
Almost as depressing as Bush winning, eleven states approve constitutional amendments to outlaw gay weddings. Because you know, two people being happy is really something that NEEDS to be outlawed.
I'm glad I don't believe in God.
Just so you know.
Anyone else want to start a revolution?
Let's make predictions for the next four years.
Tuesday November 02 2004 • 01:21am
I'm strangely angry. Well, not so strangely, since it seems as though I have three emotions- angry, sleepy or high.
Chris just called. It was the normal "I want to spank you. I want to fuck you so hard". Bullshit. I'm so tired of everything refuckingvolving around sex. I can get myself off just swell, thankyouverymuch. In fact, chances are I can please myself in ways you can never fucking dream. So fuck you, boys, and get over yourselves. I wish there was just some switch to turn on or off for my sexuality. Liiiike, hmmm boys are too motherfucking easy, I'd rather be with a girl. But then I realize that girls aren't worth all the fucking drama and hassle.
So what's really better- being aloof, boring and typical
being dramatic, moody and jealous?
I'm kind of cynical for only being eighteen.
I kind of wanted to tell Chris that I just wanted to date him, but I don't even really want that. I just want to have the upper hand again. I hate knowing that he has control over me.
I only work 31 hours this week. It's like I'm on vacation. I have Friday off, but it's not like a can party, since I have to be up and at work at seven. BUUUT. After I get off at five, the entire fucking night is mine. I told Chris I'd hang out with him on Friday, but we all know that ain't happenin'. Alex has a date or some bullshit. He called me last night and said we must hang out soon and *insert smoking sounds*. I'm jealous because he went to the government teacher's house and trick-or-treated. I dream of Mr. Wilkins and his magic skills. God, what a fucking lame thing to say.
I have to wake up early to vote tomorrow. I feel special, yet annoyed. Although I live in Indiana, I live on the border, so I get ALL Ohio stations, and being a battleground state, it's fucking saturated in negative political ad. Who do you think will "win"? I always hated that, they shouldn't win, they should EARN it. Make sense?
- I can't wait for x-mas. I want to mail out cards and little packages.
- I'm on a mission to find someone to worship me.
- I bought camel filters and they are such a let down. I've decided that it's non-filters or nothing for this girl.
Eh, I'm bored with this already.
Because I deleted all of my old emails, I don't remember who added me, so if you'd like me to add you back, comment and I probably will.